another moral hangover. fuck.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
