Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
