Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
