Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
