I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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