I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
