i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
