my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
