i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
