My liver just broke up with me...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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