help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
