Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
