so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
