just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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