How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
