Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I could make wine with my vomit
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
