She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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