I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
