I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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