I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
