i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
