i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
