Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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