im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
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I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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