Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
