don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
