Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
