All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
