I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
