I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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