I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
