two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
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I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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