so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
