Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
