Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
