So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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