we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
