some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
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this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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