A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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