PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
