I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
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You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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