i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
