I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
