so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
