bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
