The maid of honor just puked.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Randomize
