I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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