It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
