we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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