We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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