I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
