I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
