I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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