1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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