No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize