I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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