you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
